hi again - I hope you didn’t forget about me, because I definitely didn’t forget about you!
parts of this newsletter were written months ago - some in the middle of the night, some in the shower. ideas have floated around for a while, but sitting down meant facing myself, and that was tough for a while. so much of what goes into these drafts don’t make it to the final, but in the end, i’ve thought through many, many things to share with you all. I hope you enjoy xoxoxo
life update
i’m currently sitting watching Margot Lee’s move from nyc to london and it took me back to 2020 when i spent hours watching nyc vlogs, including some of hers. the manifestation was so real. i was going to pick up a pen and have this conversation with myself, but why not share with you all.
i moved - again! this time, i am back home in california [insert ambiguous tears]. if you’ve spoken to me about this over the past five years, you know this was an unexpected move. up until may 2024, i had anticipated a long life in nyc, and i definitely didn’t think i’d ever move back here - but sometimes, we need to reset, reground, regroup.
i’ve reflected on the family i’ve returned to and the one i left behind in new york. the one that didn’t have to love me so fiercely, but did. the one that didn’t have to show up every day with such intention, but did. the one i grew up thinking didn’t exist in this life (at least not for me), but does.
in truth, my heart is still divided. i feel immense gratitude, immense love, immense light, immense grief, and immense unknown. there will never, ever be enough or correct words for the things i’ve felt in this transition, which may be why it’s taken me so long to get to this point, sitting down writing to you.
i met someone a few days ago who, unprompted, let me know that i’m no new yorker. no, no of course not - i told the boy from westchester ( l o l ). but what a funny and sweet rebellion to truly know myself, and to know how my beloved nyc changed me forever.
ruminations 💭
over the past year, I’ve seen so much of the people I love reflected back to me in the mirror. my mom, my sisters, my friends - the women in my life. I find myself getting ready in the morning, having a conversation with coworkers, or laughing with friends - and i catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection or a camera, and there they are. it’s a funny reminder that we are the people we love and the people we surround ourselves by.
i spent some time with an old friend after i got back to CA, and i couldn’t focus on her words because i recognized so much of myself in her demeanor and expressions. these moments have felt so bizarre, especially as i’ve reacquainted myself with where i grew up. but in the end, they’ve served as a reminder that passive friendship and fickle ties are really just not for me. my time and energy are finite, especially as i grow older and see so many of you reflected in myself.
through this experience, i’ve also recentered myself. i’ve always felt most myself alone - ruminating, remembering, recollecting. i feel energized by the calmness i bring to my heart - alive in the silence and hopeful from the tranquility. there is so much in what’s around me that impacts my sense of self. but it’s always in coming back to myself (existing inward, taking what i want + leaving behind what i don’t) that i feel peace.
final thoughts for the road 💌
i’m not sure where i go from here, but it’s been a wild ride to be present in my every day the past few months of being in california and seeing where life takes me. one of my 2025 goals is to live life where my two feet are. this came from the overwhelming sense of nostalgia and yearning i had at the end of 2024. i’m eager to see where today (and then tomorrow, and then the next day…) leads. for now, it’s been the sweetest surprise to be led back to you on this sunday.
OMG Westchester! That’s hilarious. Darling, NY misses you! I MISS you.
i want to hang this on my fridge! what a lovely capture of time & change ... miss you <3